Race Against Myself

This morning my family and I went in to visit PG Interns for a time of worship and then because my husband was speaking to them during class time. It is always so nice to get to be together with other Christians who are growing and challenging themselves. Our friend Daryl shared out of 1 Corinthians 9:24 where it speaks of life as a race and of running in such as way to win the crown. Even though all run, not everyone wins. The concept was brought up that we are not racing each other, but rather, racing ourselves.

Later Bryan talked about being careful not to live comparing yourself to others, striving to just be like someone else.

In the past I have really dealt with this issue, sometimes having to habitually take captive certain thoughts that would divide and estrange me from my friends whom I admired. My admiration too easily could turn into coveting: trying to take a quality from them for myself when God wanted instead to help me develop it on my own! Every so often, I still battle this tendency.

However, this morning I started thinking about how often I compare who I am today with who I was a few years ago. I still don't have a conclusion, but I have thoughts.

For a few years I was involved in discipleship schools and in this environment my spirit seemed to be constantly challenged, and more than that. It felt like every time I was challenged by the Word of God a poem would spring from my heart or an art project would suddenly find inspiration and depth. I cried and laughed all of the time. I would journal morning and night to the point that my friends would tease about this unusual "anointing". I found green pastures to sit in and dreams to blow on like dandelions gone to seed. In my memory, most moments contained lyrics to the next acoustic classic.

And a couple years have passed. Today it seems like my life is so full of what I used to dream of that I don't have as much time to wrestle or cry or write. Sometimes I don't even know what is going on inside my mind. Bryan asked me a bit over a month ago, "How was your day, apart from feeding schedules and nap times?"

- - blank stare - - that was my response. 

So, my formulated thought. Am I still changing? Am I still being challenged to grow into the image of Christ? Still dreaming? Repenting? Do I still learn lessons from strangers or from sun piercing the sky? 

Is He still proud of me? 

I think that is really my question. And I don't want any well-meaning human to place a hand on my shoulder and comfort me or give me excuses. 

"You DO have twins."

"Your life is a little busy these days."

It isn't about what my hands are doing but what my heart is doing. I need to hear Him. I miss having the opportunity to plug my ears to the chaotic traffic. Maybe I just miss making those opportunities.

I will not settle for an average little life. Oh, it may look average to you when I'm grocery shopping, folding laundry, or making rice and chicken for dinner. On a deeper level, I am going to open up my heart to the Life-Giver. Deep calls out to deep. I hope He knows.

Passion is proven by pursuit. Lord, help me. Change me.