Thank you for the pain

This morning I took my boys to get their vaccinations. I had a friend join me, for which I am grateful, because each boy definitely needed their own set of arms for hugs.

I hate the look in their eyes as the needles are going in. Shock. Micah looked up at me like, "Why are you letting this happen?!" Giant eyes. Tears welling.

Samuel tucked his head down when it was his turn and hoped that by not looking it would not hurt. He still cried. Those little sobs, catching little breaths in between.

It is hard for me too, but not so hard because I know that in the end, this little bit of pain can protect them from a lot more of it. What I was just thinking about tonight was how proud of them I was when we were leaving. I said, "Okay, can you say 'thank you' to the lady?"

Both boys put their hand up to their mouth and said, "deh". This is their way of applying the sign language word for "thank you." Smiles. Waves. Thank you lady.

I think that I was starting to write about it because I was just proud of them and wanted to remember it, but then I realized a connection.

These last few months have been kind of painful. Not a sharp pain. Maybe a dull ache that I can totally forget about when I'm reading, or joking with friends, or chasing the boys around. A questioning of things that I never thought I'd ever question again. 

What are You really like? 

What are Your true intentions for us? 

Did I misinterpret those things You said way back then?

Giant eyes. Tears welling. "Why are you letting this happen?"

It's okay to cry when it hurts, I guess. That's normal enough. But...I still should say thank you when my Parent tells me to. I have a good Parent who wants good things for me. The pain won't last forever. I'm sure I'll forget by the time we get to the car.

 

Bathroom stalls

   It is difficult to love people when they don't know that you do. (I sound like the love-sick 14 year old version of myself. This is oh so different than it used to be. haha)

I mean, how do you interfere into people's lives? People who I watch with hope. People who I pray for. People who I watch. All without their knowing. Young girls in dangerous relationships. Men throwing themselves to things that will disintegrate sooner than they think. Taking risks with their lives. Except, it cannot rightly be called a "risk" because if they just looked around themselves, they would see the cause-and-effect law that has shaped the lives of countless before them. 

  Sometimes humans act proud of the fact that they "learn the hard way". You don't have to. Smart people are smart because they don't. It's not poetic or good for plot development. It hurts.

  I saw scrawled onto a bathroom wall next to confessions of love and hatred, "Follow your heart more."  I wonder what she meant. (I assume "she" because I was in the "she" stall.) Usually when people of my age group make statements like that they mean, "Be more spontaneous. Experiment. Don't think things through so much. " or, "Throw off your elder's recommendations. They are irrelevant now in this new season. Take a risk and give yourself to the "bad boy."

 

I always find it ironic that young people learn their lessons from the inside of bathroom stalls.

Perhaps this is the inside of a bathroom stall for me. I want to tell people to their face that I see the direction they are walking in. I am afraid that they will accuse me of judging them. (A Christian's worst fear. Lame. Some people die for what they believe.) 

They don't know that I love them. God, help me show them. Help me be bold.

ummm. no title today.

A friend of mine recently had a dream that some people in her life told her she had to go inside a building for a short time, but eventually she realized that they had trapped her there. She began to resist and in response they tried to put her in a straight jacket. Amazingly enough, at the season of life that she is in, the dream made perfect sense to her. 

Here was her interpretation: sometimes the pressures and expectations of life make demands on us, telling us to "fit in" and do everything the same way as everyone else. Unfortunately often when we resist, we are dubbed "crazy".

I remember between the age 17 - 18 I would regularly pray, "God, please don't let me have an average, normal life. I want more than the status quo."

On Saturday morning I will get out of my standard size bed that morning, feed my children their breakfast, and pretty much follow the same routine as I do each day. Small variations as always. Then I will head to Ocean Breeze where I will be trained to be a travel agent so that I can work a predictable job, from home and from the office. Lovely, eh? This fall I will also volunteer with the PG Interns discipleship school at our church. I'm very excited about all this. Where is this train heading? I'm thinking about how a passerby (even myself if I'm not careful) may view my life as average. Basement suite. Honda Civic. Cell phone. Sandals. Facebook. Hoodies. Dinner plans. 

Life is more than what is seen though, eh?

Sometimes I feel heavy clouds wanting to rest over me. No quitting permitted. My heart is not settling in a normal place, but is desiring truth and strength. As Pilate longingly asked Jesus, "What is truth?"

I think he was saying, "Please break through my meaninglessness and tell me that there is an answer. Everyone tells me that there are no absolutes and that I can interpret as I please. That makes the world one great uncertainty. Are You an absolute?"

I feel so grateful to this Heavenly Father who has draped His Righteousness coat over me. Lending me His so that I can learn to walk as I should. Following His movements. Oh, I am not normal. I can soar when all others are grounded. That's pretty powerful.

Upcoming Documentary

Before falling asleep last night, I had a short chain reaction of thoughts set off in my mind. Images injected into my mind over the last few weeks drifted through. My husband and I as of late, have been watching historical documentaries that we've checked out from the library. Seeing faces, hearing peoples' stories and learning new details about the events that I had dutifully studied in my high school years. (Sadly, it wasn't until my last year of school that I discovered that I enjoy learning. It was then that a desire grew in me to never stop gaining knowledge and perspective.) Genocide in Rwanda. WWII on the home front. Mendela in South Africa. Auschwitz.
Last night we attempted to watch Schindler's List, but due to a over-heated crying child who wouldn't go to sleep, we turned it off. We definitely didn't want those images filling his heart when he has no discernment about what was going on.
In the dvds that we have watched in these last few weeks, a common trend has been the brutality of one group of humans to another. Sometimes retaliation occurs; sometimes not. At first I felt shock. In the one recording about Rwanda, someone mentioned that while these 800,000 plus individuals were being murdered, a contemporary story was the murder trial of O.J. Simpson. Bryan and I remember seeing that in the news, but neither of us remember hearing anything about Rwanda. I feel shock at our "pick and choose" attitude about what gets attention.
I've also felt a sick feeling when I realize that these types of tragedies are not rare, but rather are quite common throughout history. One group looks at another and thinks, "How COULD they do such a thing?" Yet, there are so many divisions all around us. It appears innocent at first, but human reasoning eventually leads the stronger, or the shrewder, into domination of the "lesser".
Native Americans. African Americans. Jews. Actions are excused because of the mindset that they are less valueable; less human.
Follow me now to the land of political incorrectness now when I tell you what I thought about last night. Every day fetuses are being killed within the wombs of their mothers. Silently. Make an appointment. Drop in clinic. No problem. Extending a hand to help you out of that complex situation that you most certainly are in.
If that fetus were to grow to full size and be born, it would be quite costly. To your lifestyle and to your bank account. Not denying that. They are less than human anyways.
As I am watching documentaries of injustice, I wonder, "Would I be someone who would stand up against that? Would I have risked my life and my reputation?"
Hmmm. DVD finished. Power off. Brush teeth. Go to sleep.
50 years from now, will there be a documentary about this genocide?

"Mere Christianity" book review pt 1

I've been reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis this week. I will record some of my thoughts on what I'm reading. 

I have believed Lewis to be a genius ever since I read "The Chronicles of Narnia" about 4 years ago. (Yes, I loved before the movies came out). He brings such imagination and depth that I felt rejuvenated by reading that fictional work. "Mere Christianity" has been sitting on my shelf for a few years now. It is more like an essay, so it doesn't have the same "sit-with-a-cup-of-hot-chocolate-and-wander-into-another-world" feel. However, I've been impressed by his down to earth way of describing the invisible realm.

This book is actually a collection of the different talks that Lewis was asked to share over the radio during WWII. At that time, probably because of the increased awareness of the inevitability of death, people were curious, "What do Christians believe?" So, Lewis described it as best as he could. It is intriguing to see the influence that widespread war was having on media.

So, the first part is simply called, "Right and Wrong as a Clue to the Meaning of the Universe".

Lewis discusses how the simple fact that humans are aware of a "greater good" brings into question, "Where did this Moral Law come from?" (Historically it used to be called "Law of Nature".)

When the Moral Law is referred to, it is not a "law" in the traditional sense. It is much different than the Law of Gravity, because that Law can be seen consistently and scientifically. If an outside source was to study us, as we study animals or insects with no communication or inside scoop, that studier would not be able to report on this Moral Law. It really is not the FACTS of what humans DO, but rather what we feel we OUGHT to do. The Moral Law is an invisible one inside of us.

If one tried to deny this law, simply accuse someone of breaking it and the excuses will begin to pour out. As a general rule we all have an understanding that we should not break promises or take things that don't belong to us, among other things, though none of us follow these standards perfectly. When we break our standard, internal excuses begin.

Lewis mentions that this Moral Law is generally the same in all countries and ages. Some examples are given:

     - you may be allowed only 1 wife or the rule may be 3 or 4 wives somewhere else, but we all know that you can't go around taking any woman that you want.

     - there is a general understanding that kindness is admired. Whether you owe it only to your family or to the whole world is where the difference lies, but all agree that to some extent selflessness is admirable.

He brings up the issue, "What is the difference between the Moral Law and herd instincts that have developed within us?" I believe that by saying "herd instincts" he means the internal rules that we have grown to follow so that we can all be adaptable and survive!

- Common instincts are the drive for food, for self-preservation, for sex, or to be maternal. The difference is that the Moral Law is stronger than any one of our instincts and actually helps us to govern which instinct is correct at that moment. No instinct is right all of the time, nor can they be trusted 100%. It sometimes (often) will even direct us to do something CONTRARY to what our instincts are telling us to do. (Help someone though it puts ourself in danger, not go take the food though we are hungry, not to go make love to any girl you want to - funny for me to write that one, but he refers to this instinct bluntly, so I will too!)

 The analogy is given that herd instincts are the keys on a piano, but the Moral Law is like a sheet of music that tells us which ones to play at a given time.

At one point he respectfully reminds us that though science is valuable and necessary, it simply does not have the authority to answer the question "Is there something more than what we see?" The question is not scientific because the answer cannot be found by observing or by measuring data. The one extra help that we have to answer this question is what we sense inside of us. We do not only OBSERVE men, we ARE men. 

Where did this Moral Law come from? If we all are aware that there is a way that we SHOULD do things, but are not able to maintain it, why do we all know it and care about it? Why do we all make such a fuss if we are "wronged" and make such excuses as to why we didn't have to follow the rules in this one particular situation? Here Lewis declares that all he has brought us to at this point is that there must be a "Somebody", a "Greater Power." (He thinks that this greater power is most like a mind, so he refers to it as "Somebody") So, if this Somebody has put a Moral Law around us, in us, and we do not follow it, then we are guilty of breaking his rules. What does that mean for us?

I will include two quotes, and then I'm done for today.

pg. 29

"We have two bits of evidence about the Somebody. One is the universe that He has made. If we used that as our only clue, then I think we would have to conclude that He was a great artist (for the universe is a very beautiful place) but also that He is quite merciless and no friend to man (for the universe is a very dangerous and terrifying place). The other bit of evidence is that Moral Law which He has put in our minds. And this is a better bit of evidence than the other, because it is inside information. You find out more about God from the Moral Law than from the universe in general just as you find out more about a man by listening to his conversation than by looking at a house he has built."

pg. 31

"Christianity simply does not make sense until you have faced the sort of facts that I have been describing. Christianity tells people to repent and promises forgiveness. It therefore has nothing (as far as I know) to say to people who do not know they have done anything to repent of and who do not feel that they need any forgiveness. It is after you have realized that there is a real Moral Law and a Power behind the law, and that you have broken that law and put yourself wrong with that Power - it is after all this, and not a moment sooner, that Christianity begins to talk."

The Inevitable Empty Nest

I have four little eyes watching me right now. They are drinking their bottles and finding me fascinating. Lately one of my guys has become more possessive of me, his mother. When upset, I seem to be the one who can comfort him more than others. Before bed, he needs a little snuggle with me. I'm flattered.

  Here is what I have been thinking. Over the years, as my desires began to include domestic matters, I would wonder, "What will my children be like?", "What type of mother will I be?" On occasion, I am not ashamed to admit, I would stand in front of a mirror with a pillow under my shirt to see how pregnancy would look on me. (I am unashamed, because I'm almost certain each estrogen-ridden individual has done the same at one point or another.) Then, the day came when I really BECAME a mother. I carried them, hidden from the world. I sensed their movements first and felt the responsibility to eat, exercise, and rest for their sake. I morphed from a woman, into a mother. When people saw me, they didn't see me any longer, but a (largely) pregnant lady.

  And now, the boys are here. Because so much of my day revolves around them, I find that so much of my identity is found in them. I am a mother of twins. My love is deeply rooted in the core of me and it is difficult to remember a life without them.

  Since they were born, I've had the awareness that my time with them is short. I am savoring the time, but mindful that part of our responsibility is to encourage and challenge them, for one day they will have to fly away and leave our nest. Their identity must surely not be, "Sons of Bryan and Bonnie." or else they will be forever in a shadow land.

 They have a desire for honor and adventure in their blood, for they are Seedlings of Men. I remember that the dreams I dreamt while safe under my parent's roof rarely included my parents. My desires had to be found somewhere other than where I had come from.

As the boys grow they will not dream of conquering kingdoms and slaying dragons for me. The tragic gift of motherhood: to offer all with the goal of seeing your children offer all to someone else.

Just as it would not be healthy for my boys to find their identity solely in me, I cannot find my identity solely in them. Keep asking questions, Bonnie. Keep inquiring, "What is life really about?" "What am I alive for right now?" Never stop searching, because only then can answers be revealed. I will not fall apart when my babies become men. I will perhaps cry. I guess I will have to wait and see. There is no way to predict what that day will be like, but I want to build strong until that point comes.

Today

The tornado blew through. Thought it would mean that my house would be relocated. Tragic theme music plays and a witch on a bicycle flies by my window. Ruby slippers in my possession and the world is colorful, but I'm not home. 

Thought that would be the next scene. But, actually, I think that I'm more home than I used to be. 

Amazing how God prepares me so that I don't ever go into metaphorical cardiac arrest. I am not crying. I didn't digress back to adolescent mind-space. Miraculous. 

I don't think you know what I'm talking about. That is intentional. I'll keep it that way.

I will expose that I learned again how easy it is for me to take for granted the one whom I love the most. The one who loves me the most. 

Let all others be second.

The reality of today must overshadow even the most golden memories.