The fog has passed and now I lie here shaking my head at my inner struggles, because I can't even remember what the big deal was. Anyways, Saturday afternoon my husband took care of the boys while I headed out for grocery shopping.
Knowing vaguely what was going on, he said, "Take as much time as you need."
I quipped back, "Okay, see you tomorrow."
Off to Costco. Just needed some aisles to get lost in and some strangers to look past me and let me be alone in the middle of a crowd. As you all know, Costco is the magical land of thousand foot ceilings. Where else can you buy a bucket of 5 cent candies, a box of 228 Kirkland diapers, a bag of frozen strawberries, enough toilet paper to last 8 months, a 4-pk of deoderant, snap peas, or even fresh flowers if you want? At the end of some aisles there are also stands where free snacks are given away. Protein bars, trail mix, tortilla chips, cream puffs, or pasta all in convenient miniature muffin liners.
Believe it or not, this Saturday I didn't really feel like sampling many items. However, I did happen to walk by one stand where a red-vested woman was cutting up a pizza. It smelled delicious, so I figured it was worth the wait. I lingered about 4 feet away. A few people were clearly there before I was so I was giving them their space. Common social standards. As fast as the woman could place the bite-size pieces out, they were snatched away with "thank you"s and even polite "Oh, how much is this one?" to make it seem like they are going to make a purchase and not just mooch the food. (I know, because I myself have done it.) I inched my way forward to take a piece for myself, letting a few kids get in there ahead of me. Not a big deal - kids love free food too much to understand the principle of, "first come, first serve." I understood.
But THEN. A man, around 60 years old with a braid of hair and a black leather vest walks up. He makes quick eye contact with me and hovers in, ready to swoop up the next piece that is offered. I couldn't believe it! He saw me there and he was going to budge in front of me! How rude and immature.
As he leaned in, I saw the guilt hit and he started to make excuses. "Oh, were you in line here? I thought you were waiting for someone."
"Waiting for someone?!? How lame." I thought to myself, "Well, I'm going to be the nice one here and pretend that I don't care. I'll be gracious and make him feel like a jerk."
"Oh no - you go ahead there." I said to him with a smile.
The lady serving us looked at me with a knowing glance. Good. She saw that an injustice had occurred against me.
The pizza sample was delicious. Probably just as good as the piece he ate.
As I walked away, guilt hit me in the face. Apparently it doesn't take much for Bonnie's kind little heart to turn sour. Just a little Costco sample-sized lineup. As I walked around Costco, and later at Walmart, I kept shocking myself with my judgmental responses and inability to be kind no matter how hard I tried.
When I got home that afternoon, I explained to my one friend on the phone, "I hoped that things would get better by getting out of the house and having a change of environment, but apparently, the problem is inside of me."
This all reminded me: there is no outward "environmental" change that could possibly remedy the diseased, bitter heart of humanity. No educational experience, no 3-month tour of Europe to "find yourself", no self-help book or DVD series. No promotion or position. Not marriage, or divorce, or the addition of children. Distraction only works for a little while because the problem is within ourselves. The problem is mankind's addiction to selfishness.
This is exactly why God had to come to earth as man and lay His life down as a sacrifice. He HAD to first surrender to the power of death paying the penalty for us because we broke His law. But then he flexed and burst from death back into life and suddenly the tables were turned. Now death had to bow to life.
And He graciously offers us a miraculous regeneration so that we don't have to simply rein in our tempers, addictions, or selfish motives. He transplants life into the soil of our insides so that His ways can grow within us.
Like I said, I don't exactly know why I had such a dangerous weekend, but it seemed that after I saw things in perspective again, I was able to surrender to the life He was offering me and peace came back.
I can never be "good enough" on my own, but He offers me life.
"The Son of Man didn't come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Mark 10:45)
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