thoughts on friendship (pt 2)

For most of my school age years, I was home schooled. However, kindergarten was the one year that I experienced amidst the throngs. Good experience. Water station. Sand station. Playing house. Learning basic human anatomy. Coloring contests. Little carpets to sit on. One time when an ambulance came and the paramedics taught us for a while. I remember feeling awed that "AMBULANCE" was spelled "ECNALUBMA"so that cars ahead of it in traffic could see it spelled correctly in their rear view mirror. genius. 

 Anyways, all these childhood-friendship experiences shaped my outlook. I had 5 main friends. 

Aleisha - certifiably my best friend. I was aware that she was a tad bit "cooler" than me. I think because she wasn't as friendly or extroverted as I was, so she had an air of mystery to her. We would play on the tire swing in her backyard and sit together in class.

Ben and Joel - fraternal twins who I'm certain both had a little crush on me. Joel was blonde, fair skinned and a little more outgoing. Ben looked Mexican, if I remember correctly and was kind of shy. When I would go play at their house, they taught me how to climb the inside of door frames.

Diane - This petite blonde girl came to the school later in the year. She was drawn to me pretty quickly and though she was perky and cute, I remember feeling a bit guilty because she seemed to like me more than I liked her.

Adrianne -  She had big soft eyes and a gentle spirit to match her voice. I think that we could have become better friends if we had had more time. I wonder if she would have been a kindred spirit.

So I learned,

5. Friends save spots for each other and go to each other's houses after school. Close friends sit the closest beside you at your birthday party.

A couple years later, there was a friend in my life who would aggressively try to be my friend. Phone calls, invitations to play, and following me around. I was smothered, and felt horrible because I knew that I didn't love her like she wanted me to. I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to confess.

I watched as her countenance fell and the sparkle in her eye faded. I really tried to be gentle and kind, but there is no fun way to say what I said. 

She never pursued me again. I was relieved, but now had a nagging fear:

"What if I am smothering people and they aren't telling me to avoid hurting my feelings?"

6. Don't expect friendships to grow if you put too much pressure on them to do so.

7. Don't be needy or you may push others away.

It was a little later in life that the "best friend/forever friend" bracelets and necklaces gained momentum. I would have half a heart around my throat and you would have the other half. The problem was, I gave out 2 or 3, and was given another 3 or 4. 

For some reason it was easier for me to guarantee a "forever" friendship, because that didn't specify to what depth our friendship would be. As I'd already learned, sometimes you can live in different cities and only see your friend once or twice a year and that is an acceptable definition of meaningful friendship. But, in my mind, to be a "Best" friend meant continual updates and every weekend commitment. I wanted to believe that it would happen, but I was doubtful. Just recently I found some of those cheap metal promises and hesitantly threw them out. I don't see my "Forever Best Friends" much anymore. Maybe once or twice a year. I'm not upset about it; I'm just observing.

8. The term "best friend" is over-rated and over-used. It is more valuable and necessary to have a friend that does all the things that a best friend should, than to have someone whom you can simply call your "bestest".

9. Even the greatest of intentions doesn't guarantee commitment in the future. Don't be angry about it.

I'm trying to explore. This may be what I think, but it may not be true or loving. I'm willing to change.