Hope

About a year ago, I found out that I was pregnant. I remember vividly how quickly the test turned positive on me and not having time to even think "Should I look now? Or wait a minute?" I walked out of the bathroom to Bryan and showed him the result. He was wide-eyed and so happy. I was so happy. We hugged and laughed and cried and prayed together. I don't remember much more about that night, though I imagine the exhaustion and extreme hunger hit immediately. ; )

But I do remember that I started to avoid one of my close friends. I was very tired and I was working shift work and had unpredictable times available for phone calls and hanging out, so I thought she maybe wouldn't think there was something going on. To be honest, it took me a while to figure it out too.

 My friend is older than me and as long as I've known her, she has dreamt of marriage and family. Probably desires it more than I ever had. Yet, she was single and I had a wedding ring and a due date. I was a little confused with God and unsure how to act around her. Should I not talk about these wonderful parts of my life to protect her? Yet, how could I hold these new thoughts in? I felt foolish every time I mentioned my heightened sense of smell or my unusual desire for poached eggs.

My prayers to God included:

"Why do I have it and she doesn't?"

"This isn't fair."

"What are You doing up there?"

"I thought You took care of peoples' hearts."

"Are You really sovereign? Because if You are, You should change some things."

Finally, my friend and I talked about it and she said, "I may not have a husband, but if you exclude me from this part of your life, I will not have a friendship either." Good point. I said sorry and changed.

Yet, her lack of eligible bachelors nagged in my heart. Verses in the Bible ran through my head and confused me.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

He satisfies our longings with good things.

Those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed.

I would hold onto hope for her sake, but also for my sake. I wanted to prove a point. God will give us good things. But, is good the thing that we want, or is it the thing that is really beneficial for us and we don't realize it yet?

But, why me and not her?

She is now getting married in 83 days. God wasn't being mean holding out on her. He was preparing the very best for her. Of course! Why did we ever doubt!? Now we get to smile and applaud God's greatness and the pain of yesterday is forgotten. Today was their engagement party. Appetizers. Love story. Laughter. And another of my friends is there. She is crying out to God for a child of her own. Actually twin boys is what she desires. 

As I type, my boys are sleeping. One is starting to cry now.

Why me? Why not them? I promise you that it is not because I am deserving and she is not. God doesn't work like that.

But, today I went to the engagement party that I knew nothing about last year. I will believe for babies in my friend's womb. I am inside of time. He is not.

Sometimes I get frustrated with my boys because they seem to cry most frantically when I am preparing their bottle or sitting down to nurse. I think to myself, "Don't you realize that every time you've been hungry in your entire life, I have fed you? Don't you see the pattern?"

If we who are evil give our children all that we can, how much more our perfect heavenly Father?

Yet, I wonder and wait. Please, Lord. See our hunger.

Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel, but it seemed like a couple days because of his great love. I realized that this account was written after they were together. I wonder what his journal looked like. A giant countdown until the day his bride would be in his arms.

Those who hope in the Lord are not disappointed.